I was walking home alone just now from library. I started thinking, what if I come to Plymouth alone, i.e. without my housemates generally. I think about whether I can survive, how a person I would be etc. I believe it will all be different. These are the things that ran through my head through the 25 minutes walk home.
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Chapter 1: Family
I am brought up in a happy family I would say. For the minimum, I have both my parents who taught me how to be a person and two brothers whom I can fight with. My horoscope is cancer and I am a true cancer who is a family-person. Starting a family with the guy I love most has been a dream since young. Needless to say children too, four to be exact.
Being a traditional type of chinese family, we don't express our love through words and obvious actions. It's always through the tough ways, difficult to realise and feel kinds. Not only till I went to polytechnic, I finally come to my sense. Be it due to whatever impacts or experiences (I can't remember), I truly know the importance of my family when I was 17. I think it is something to be ashamed of, but am glad that I finally got it.
That's the age that I started dating guys too (I know it's late and unbelievable but it's true), most often than not I was left with a broken heart. I'm not sure because it's my character or what, I actually can move on soon and continue to think that love is true, I just need to find the right one.
Few days ago, man of the house said something which made me think. It did not hit me until I rethought about it just now- during the walk. I actually considered of being single whole of my life. This way, I am not bonded, not binded, not liable for anything else other than myself. Isn't this way better? I'm not sure why this didn't come into my mind: People nowadays do things behind their partners' back, and should I still be committing 100% into it?
I used to put in my 100% for love. Maybe 200%. It's all past tense. Whatever or whoever that caused it, it doesn't matter. And now, I don't give my 100% and don't believe in it anymore. Then fooling around became acceptable to me, I lost control. Almost.
Being the typical kind of housewife- taking care of monster kids, cooking, groceries shopping, housechores.. is what I portrayed myself for the future. But it has all changed. I learnt that self-independence (more on financially) is IMPORTANT, and that if your husband left for a whore one day, at least you are still financially able. (Haha okay it is a very crucial thing to realise, cos I always wanted to just rely on a capable hubby and be a good wife).
Friends close to me enough might know the stupid things that I have done. I don't know what kind of thrill I'm (and others are) seeking, all I know is it's just morally wrong and I hate it. All I want is to find a guy whom I can love at least 100% and him reciprocating.
How old is my mentality? No idea.
I probably won't find a guy who will change me back to who I wanted to be.
To me, this is sad.
Chapter 2: Smile
Believe it or not, there's a phase of my life when I was totally happy and smiling all the time. Maybe all I could do was to smile? -.- Anyway, that period I was positive and really just smile ALOT. I stopped when I found out that some people are just not so friendly afterall. And I changed to giving a moodless (rather stern when I don't smile) face. I learnt to hide my emotions too.
This is the real me: I say everything that I feel out. EVERYTHING. Sometimes too much, I know. But I feel there's a need to let people know, and I hate people to do or say things behind my back. (But of course we only use such method when gossiping, not to your important ones!) Clarification is an essential part of my life. I FREAKING HATE MISUNDERSTANDINGS!!!
If I stop speaking, it's either I'm really occupied or I just want to hide it to myself.
Sigh. Actually somehow somewhat I feel misunderstood at this juncture.
You can never imagine how much difference you can make if you smile to me, even if I don't smile back. I'm sorry sometimes I just can't multi-task (not even smile back) when I'm busy or there's something in my head. But yea, I do remember smiles :)
A little secret to tell:
Few years ago I saw an unforgettable smile. It was a foreign chinese (prolly construction) worker having his big bowl of noodles in a coffeeshop. I can see that it's a real smile of satisfaction and enjoyment. Right after, I saw smiles on the kindergarten children. The 'pure and innocent, without worries and anticipating fun' kind of smile.
I wanted to write a book. A book compiled with pictures of smiles and interpreted text. Maybe in chinese poem style for each blissful photo. This is a wish that hasn't come true. Perhaps I should just collate into a personal book for myself? But isn't sharing smiles a good thing to start off with in the first place? Sigh.
This was a secret kept for years.
It may be of no big deal to you, but smiles simply affect me so so so much that I want to collect and keep them.
There is still one smile that I want to see before leaving Plymouth. It's the smile of the person I met while walking down Beaumont Avenue. This smile is contagious, I caught it and it can still make me smile NOW. I don't know this person, and I didn't meet this person anymore. It has been almost two months, but the thought of it just pulls the edges of my lips upwards.
So naturally, automatically.
Oh how emotional I am?!
Chapter 3: Changes
I personally think that I have settled down in Plymouth.
From summer-ish all year round to four seasons.
From singlish to where english comes from.
From SGD to GBP.
From apartment to house.
From tank-top, shorts and slippers to all well-covered and protected.
From walking relatively fast to strolling (in my context)
From overloaded choices of food to limited.
From taking transportations to walking everywhere.
From being a majority to minority.
I no longer feel fresh about being here.
No longer excited for everything I do, not even cooking and eating.
Two months is how long I take to get use to everything in a completely new environment.
Fast or slow?
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I was enjoying the peace so much that I deliberately slowed down my walking pace just to enjoy it slightly longer. It has been long since I reflected myself to myself.
Someone please, pick me up from the emotions. Now.
:(
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