Urge.

It's barely 12pm and my manager asked me to go for a quick lunch with him as he's having meeting at yard, 1pm.

So I went, cos my habi can't make it today.

We took less than half an hour to complete the meal and chatted quite a bit about The Avengers > Greek Gods > Religions > India's tourism places.

The Avengers cos I watched it with Habi last night. The film was pretty good though it doesn't make sense that these superheros (or whatever you call them) can fight god.. and my manager told me the historical reason to it.

Ahh. Same like the British and American thing.

Now is the Greek and American.

Then he mentioned European and American.

Interesting stuff that I don't really understand the whole thing but nevermind.

After the quick lunch, he told me to google up those places that he mentioned.

As I was looking at the pictures and browsing thru' the sites, I had the urge.

The urge to quit my job immediately and do what I really want.

What I really want..

It's a question in my mind for the past few months.

I haven't figured out what sort of life I really want.

I don't know if I should keep working all my life but I do know that having a job is good financially/mentally/socially/etc.

And then when I think further..

The nature of the kind of line that I'm in and my interest and passion..

Will drive me into a workaholic whom I already am, though currently suppressed within me.

Like the Hulk. My workaholic-thing and his agitation is the same. We can suppress it somehow, but it's within us. And when we unleash these things, we can't really control it (Okay I think he did control it in the Avengers finally but ok you geddit right?). This workaholic thing controls my mind and I truly know that I won't be able to juggle my stuff properly.

I'm committed, very.

But unfortunately one at a time.

When I get everything at once, my attention gets diverted and my time & effort will too.

So I don't feel them enough to let me be at the highest commitment level that I should be.

I'll end up choosing one.

Moreover, the work culture here in Singapore suits workaholic pretty much.

So if I were to immerse myself into work, I'll most likely neglect other stuff.

That is why I refuse to stay until too late at work now to do things that can wait.

After these few months, I made it clear to myself that I shall not invest my life into a career.

What would my potential career brings me?

1. A lot of money.

2. Recognition

3. Status

4. Beer belly

5. Stress

6. Ability to tell lies nicely

7. More time with clients than people I truly love

The list may go on but that's what I've briefly came out with for now.

From point #2-7, I need none of them.

As for money, I just need a bit. And I wouldn't need a career to achieve that.

So I don't actually need a career, do I?

I have derived what I want in my life. The sort of happiness that I want has been discovered.

I have spoken to ambitious people who work VERY hard for their career in terms of money & status. I feel distant with these people whom I call friends. I very much respect them for being who they are of course, but I just don't quite understand the sort of 'drive' that they have.

And then I realised, everyone's definition for happiness is different.

I don't have a clear definition of happiness for myself but I would like to be like following:

1. To wake up everyday because I'm alert and ready for whatever I want to do for the day, not by the alarm cos I gotta go to work.

2. To enter my sleep everyday without thinking that 

    a. I have meeting schedule tomorrow and 

    b. to recollect of the day what I could have done better today during work.

3. To spend less time looking at my watch and trying to keep up my pace with the revolving world.

4. To do what I have to do, what I like to do and what I want to do at any time. And not trying to arrange all social meetings, family time, lovey dovey times only after 6pm on weekdays and on weekends.

5. To be able to walk at my comfortable pace. Not running to catch train when I spent a little more time in the morning for pooping.

6. To backpack round the world and understand/feel/ what the world really is, instead of just money and oil.

7. Spend 24/7 with Habi and we'll do everything that we like/want/gotta do together (I can imagine his very pleased smile if he hear me say this)

Okay I know I got more cos I always think about these. But just can't set out all the ideas properly now cos some is pretty irrational hahaha.

I can't see myself living around commercial ships and oil prices and moving the world economy all my life.

My latest humble ambition of being a ______ _______ ______ is still on.

And Habi doesn't seem to have any issues with my idea.

I really can't wait to be doing that.

Alternatively, our family businesses would be nice too.

We shall see where I land myself on after 3 years.

Maybe you'll still see me talking about ships and oil in the future.

But I really hope not.

Earlier mentioned: I'll end up choosing one.

I have chosen that "one", my one and only lifelong commitment.